Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
