I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
