I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just found puke in my bra..
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
