One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
