Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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