T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
