Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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