hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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