i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
