you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My underwear smells like fireworks.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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