after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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