I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
