that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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