I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
