batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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