I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
