Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
