I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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