Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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