Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
