planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
