The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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