Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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