I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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