he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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