Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My hand turned me down
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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