I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
We are two peas in an std pod
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
