batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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