Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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