I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
