i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
