Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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