Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
