Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
