Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
