I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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