i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
