I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
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