My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize