dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
