don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
