Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
