i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
