I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
