I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
