Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Michael Bay diarrhea
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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