Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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