saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
