the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
