Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
