I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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