Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
one might say we're banned from that church
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
As shirtless as possible
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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