i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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