Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize