I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
