Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
