he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I understand Curling. That high.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Never underestimate the power of titties
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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