i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
