Non-Jews are for practice
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
