My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
She told me I should be a condom model.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize