Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
