She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
