i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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