There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
