my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
