yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
