I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize