This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
