there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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