How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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