woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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