his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
